I used to be a ‘fixer’ too, a glass half full person, and I would love to still think like that but I have been changed. When someone says to me “it is time to move on” or “one can’t dwell on the past”, I think the only person actually benefitting, is the person saying it because it makes them feel better, willing to see you happy again. It is very natural to want to help ‘fix’ someone who is in pain but this is NOT the way to do it. It takes as long as it takes to heal and maybe I never will. How about this for a late night analogy - allowing a fragile egg to stay safe, warm and away from danger so it can hatch and a chick emerge, able to walk by itself is surely much better for it than rolling the egg down a hill because it will get from a. to b. faster but most likely crack on the way?
Back to the Cricket - as you can imagine, I smiled, didn’t reply and politely made my excuses to leave. I took three wrong turns on the way home and burst into floods of tears when I made it back to the sanctuary of our home.
Of course, I know I am over sensitive and I project what I think others may think of me far, far too much, but I take these comments as an indication that I am failing to do what I ‘should’ be doing. I really am trying to be a better person and I disagree with the saying “put the past behind you” because the past is what shapes the future good and bad. Every day I fight internal feelings of such hopeless loss and pointlessness of living but actions speak volumes too. I am trying so very hard to bring about positive change with our Charity and it takes a massive amount of time, energy and effort to rally supporters to help with fundraising events and encourage people to engage with Blue Skye Thinking. I am not sitting at home, withdrawn and cut off from society however appealing that is. I am fragile however, and have every right to be, because I defy anyone who could watch their own child die in their arms cope any better than us. Let us be sad when we need to be sad –please. Support us but don’t try to ‘fix’ us.
We all know the saying ‘one gets what they deserve’. Of course no one would ever suggest that Skye ‘got what he deserves’ but saying to us we “deserve some happiness” always makes me feel upset, guilty and angry. I have come to the conclusion that actually no one "deserves" anything, good or bad. We can work hard and strive to achieve goals or adopt a more passive approach in life, neither being right or wrong. I still believe in being pro active, but sometimes life events unfold that are out of our control and are certainly not a case of whether we deserve it of not. What do you think?
Perhaps in future, if you find yourself wanting to say "you deserve...." to anyone who is grieving for a loved one through death or even for the end of a marriage, try replacing it with “I would dearly like you to be able to find space for some happiness in your heart”.