Eating Out at the Urban Reef
Is he a boy, in heaven being looked after by angels until I die and join him?
Is he a spirit trapped between this world and the next, unable to break away form his family on earth because our bond was so strong, waiting for us to talk to him through a medium? Will he be ‘re-born and live another life, not aware of his old one? Is he now just ‘energy’ fertilising new plants and fuelling the wind and sea, never to be held or seen again but at least, not alone and not suffering? Forever is too long.
I remember one narrative from the Bible, about two women, both claiming they were the mother of a child. After some deliberation, King Solomon called for a sword to be brought before him. He declared that there was only one fair solution: the live son must be split in two, each woman receiving half of the child. Upon hearing this terrible verdict, the boy's true mother cried out, "Oh Lord, give the baby to her, just don't kill him!"
Any mother (or father) would have chosen to sacrifice anything to swap places with their child but of course, none of us can. The single, biggest aspect that haunts me every day is my responsibility to Skye. Neither Andrew, nor I believe for one second that he is “better off” now, whatever one’s beliefs, nature intends for children to reach adulthood. He did not want to die. If there is the smallest of chances that he is still Skye, the boy we all knew on earth, living somewhere else – I should be there with him. If I ever verbalise this, people panic and immediately start finding arguments against why I shouldn’t join him; “you will not get to heaven if you take your own life” – really? So what about the mentally ill who do it – they have a medical illness, surely they are not excluded???
Those who believe in the spiritual world but not necessarily heaven, tell me, if you take your own life, you may have messed with your own natural destiny and may therefore miss the path that would lead you to reconnecting with your child.
For those who believe that once you die, that is it, there would obviously be no point in joining the world of nothingness, as it would never take you on a path of reunion so better to live your life on earth while you have the chance. Maybe this explains why more parents choose to stick around after losing a child rather than joining them?
It is true, that for quite some time after Skye’s death, that I truly felt my place was to be with Skye, not because it would be too hard to live without him, that is selfish, but because Jesse has Andrew and my mum, and Skye has no one. I did not feel that I could offer Jesse a life of happiness, as I so wanted for both of them, and that he would be better off in the long run without me.
I do not currently feel like that, as I realise that Jesse having to come to terms with living without a parent, who has chosen to take their own life and therefore ‘leave’ their child to face life alone is a place no child should ever find themselves in.
So what options does this leave? I am now torn, on a daily basis, with where I should be. I see that Jesse is better off with me around, however rocky the road emotionally, but I have two boys and a responsibility to both. I want to be in both places, however small the chance of actually ever being with Skye again as I knew him.
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