I have been overwhelmed by the supportive messages both as private emails, Facebook comments and here on the family blog. I am very conscious of not bombarding subscribers with numerous posts but knowing that I will be unable to write individual replies quickly, I do feel the need however to acknowledge and thank everyone for their support on this occasion. You really have no idea how significant it is to me to feel loved, understood and supported.
The last thing I wanted to do was to shock people and I apologise for this. I really need to convey, that the act of me feeling strong enough at this moment in time to write and share everything I spoke about, is a good thing. The most dangerous times are when I am silent, just with my own dark thoughts, not communicating with anyone, perhaps even outwardly coming across as ‘doing well’ or ‘moving on’. I need to stress that if you really put yourself in my shoes you would not find it so utterly surprising that I would feel so torn with where I feel I should be. I do not want to end my life because it is so bad; in fact, I am fully aware how lucky I am. It is simply a continuation of feeling that it is my purpose to be there to support Skye even if it is a remote chance of being able to do so. I do not feel like my own life is not worth living without him, although incredibly difficult to endure each day, or that I do not value Jesse’s wellbeing as being equally important.
It is very difficult to explain just how close us parents get to seriously ill children. You treasure every second, you spend nearly every waking minute in each other’s company and the practicalities are such, that it is inevitable that any other children become more distant for a time. Jesse used to visit Skye and I as much as possible in hospital, but the fact is, he lived with my mum and it tore me apart that I had to let him go as there was no choice – Skye was the one who needed me. Jesse and I have had to find that super tight bond again, as I hope to develop with Jesse’s new sibling. It is because of Jesse and this baby that I am still here.
By ‘coming clean’ with my inner most thoughts, I think, is a way I can continue to avoid letting myself go back to a place of total isolation with only my own mind to reason with. Grief councillors have not helped me as they have done with others, which is why I have reached out for help. I so want to do the right thing, which most days now seems to be to stay here, but I am scared how easily serious depression can kick in. I am certainly no expert in mental health, but I imagine that it makes absolutely no difference whatsoever to say to someone who is suffering, that they should just see how lucky they are. If only things were that simple! Anyway, I have been sent some wonderful books based on Buddhist mindfulness, which I promise to read. Not because they will give me answers, just to help me be able to live in the present moment and to learn how to live with such extreme and opposing emotions, so thank you for those.
To finish, Andrew commented on how many people made reference to this baby not being a replacement for Skye. Fortunately, it has NEVER crossed our mind that he/she is.
I feel ashamed at the selfish reasons for bringing this new baby into existence; but I am glad and grateful. I so desperately want to be loving and responsible now that it is all happening.
Love to you all