It has been a while since I picked up a camera to take some 'arty' shots. I am thrilled to say that Flynn seems to have taken to life in front of a lens as well has his two big brothers. Having a baby in the house brings with it a sense of wonder of nature and the world we live in. Who cannot fail to smile back when a little innocent face grins up at you?
I see Skye in Flynn's eyes and so many caring traits Jesse demonstrates towards his new brother. Our hearts are still so very heavy but our minds are full of the daily business we must attend to which helps get us through each day.
Flynn’s birth has been a lifeline to us all but there is a term for bringing a child into the world, labour. There is no term for the pain watching them leave, a labour that lasts for eternity. A struggle every day to remember to breath between each contraction of the heart, a fleeting moment of respite before the next wave of agony controls your mind.
I enjoy breast feeding the new man in my life, watching his little face and hearing his contended noises. Third time around, I am determined to ‘crack’ better sleeping habits. Skye and Jesse had snatched sleeps during the day as we dashed from one social engagement to another. I have two books by my bed, one on Gentle Sleep Solutions and the other on Mindfulness in Grief. Just like my moods I can lunge from one subject to another in an instant, especially during night time feeds when the house is silent and I have time for my mind to wander.
The book on mindfulness grabbed my attention with an image. It is 'sky with bird', not just a bird. Seeing the sky and the bird with equal amount of attention, and no desire to change either one is mindfulness. The book goes on to explain that, if applied to grief skillfully, mindfulness allows us to observe the fullness of our experience: our heartache and love, fear and anger and our gratitude for the friend with the casserole, and whatever else shows up. Rather than fight against reality, we learn to embrace each moment mindfully.
We have been fighting non-stop for the last two and a quarter years and we are tired. There are still things we will keep fighting for – a fomalised data collection system for children on standard cancer treatment protocols for one! Our communication with Oncologists and Politicians is ongoing. It is senseless and short sighted not to have a system in place for consultants who work round the clock to try and help our children, not to be able to formally share their experiences with standard treatments (good or bad).
We will however try not to fight so hard with society. It is incredibly hard to feel in touch with people that live along side us knowing they will often only see the positive exterior we arm ourselves with when faced with work, charity events and school pick up.
For Andrew and I, running the Charity is not a ‘feel good’ activity to give us focus, it is tiring being constantly positive and thankful, which we understand we need to do and of course genuinely are. There are many days we just want to give up but then someone sends an email or picks up the phone and says they have nominated Blue Skye Thinking for a charity event. Research is a hard ‘sell’ but what the medics need and in the words of Andrew’s hero, Nelson Mandela “There is no keener revelation of a society than the way in which it treats it's children.” With so much chaos in the world, LOVE and GENEROSITY are what will keep us all going.