Some people wrote in cards sent to us, that they realise we have had a really bad year but hope 2015 will be a much happier one. I do understand that people have the best intentions but my grief stretches far wider than my own personal loss and not only will 2015 not be a better year for Skye but Jesse too, who asked if Father Christmas could bring Skye back down the chimney. Life remains worse than before because at least back then Skye was with us. My suggestion to anyone writing well wishes to those grieving for the year ahead, would be along these lines:
"I am thankful for you and your beautiful child who will stay in our hearts through 2015 and the years after. Wishing you much strength for the year ahead which will be unimaginably difficult at times. You are loved."
I do understand that it is human nature to feel that if you are positive and upbeat, those around you will be likewise. Whilst I agree with this concept in many situations, there is also a stronger emotion which no amount of positive energy will push away and in fact has the very opposite effect, crushing people down further.
Q. What is worse than suffering?
A. Suffering without acknowledgement for the pain you are going through.
This can be seen in a situation as simple as a man (personal experience, not meant to be sexist) with a cold. They just want someone to know they are feeling rough. Whilst Skye and I always had a positive and practical approach to every stage of his treatment, and I knew crying at his bedside, saying how sorry I was he was in so in so much pain, would have just made him scared and worried, I never belittled his suffering or made light of it. At night, I always acknowledged what current difficulty he was facing and said "It is rubbish and I can see how brave you are having to be".
Everyone likes to be 'heard' so next time you want to comfort someone, instead of showering them with positivity, try instead to acknowledge how hard things are, you are much more likely to provide the tiny fraction of comfort you were hoping for.
I won't lie, I am glad Christmas is over but Christmas Day was not all bad. Father Christmas brought Skye a beautiful wooden box to keep some of his special things in (seen in a previous post wrapped up as a mysterious parcel). TyHapus who create these beautiful toy boxes have agreed to make a £10 donation to our Charity when any toy box is ordered if 'Blue Skye Thinking' is mentioned in 'notes to sellers'. Jesse did briefly try to process the physics of how the big red man got the box down the chimney but seemed happy with the answer "magic". I think Skye with his enquiring mind would have pushed for a more scientifically satisfactory answer!
Andrew, Jesse and I met up with my mum and her hubby at Skye's grave and Jesse was thrilled with some 'Frozen' bubbles that a thoughtful friend had left there. It was a beautiful sunny day and was the first time in a long while I caught a glimpse of the beauty of the natural world.
After a very low key lunch and a two person disco, (myself and Jesse) we all went out into the night to release a bio-degradable lantern (Skye hated litterbugs) . I was very conscious of it being safe so we went miles away from anywhere and although a special sight, ended in Andrew trying to break a fall into a ditch by grabbing a gauze bush which resulted in 5 deep thorns embedded in his hand. When I asked Jesse the best bit of the day, he of course answered "Daddy falling in the ditch". Don't you just love kids!
We made it through, it's over for this year at least.