I am too tired to write anything good so I will just be honest. I don't expect anyone to read this on Christmas day so I can say how I feel without worrying about bringing others down with me! Really, I do not know how to exist any more. I feel so raw, sick of trying, sick of hoping, sick of life. The worst thing is, who am I to complain... Skye endured so much and never moaned yet here I am having just come back from his grave swinging from utter despair to feeling completely numb, void of all emotion as it is the only way I can operate.
My dad left when I was 13, and my mum used to cry herself to sleep. Her pain will never leave me. I don't want Jesse to grow up with that, yet somehow our household has changed from being a warm, fun, busy home full of people, children and dogs to a black hole. I tried so hard to give him a christmas eve to remember but he isn't daft and said "Do you think Father Christmas might bring my brother back down the chimney to me, I miss playing with him?" He is pining too and lonely. I feel so embarrassed that I have been so strong for Skye but am struggling so much with Jesse. I am failing him and his precious childhood.
While I was at Skye's grave tonight, I just kept saying "I don't know what to do" over and over again. It's true, I am lost and feel like a death eater has taken my soul and left an empty shell I am expected to operate with.
Skye loved Christmas and today has been torture knowing he will never get to open his no.24 door on the calendar, never help wrap the last minute presents (one of his favourite pastimes), never get to look out of the window watching for FC's sleigh or lay out his stocking and leave a carrot for Rudolf. Jesse and I visited three houses this afternoon with gifts for Skye's best friends, they were just clay decorations Skye had made a year ago but it felt right to share them. I felt closer to Skye by going but within about 2 minutes wanted the ground to swallow me up because I could see the warm, happy homes bursting with family visitors and excited children and wished so fiercely that Skye could be part of it all just one more time.
I found myself at the hospital ward at about 1am (just got back). Not really sure why, just makes me feel closer to Skye I suppose. The nurses never turn down chocolate so I'm a welcome guest!
Love you Skye, to the moon, it's just too hard here without you.